The problem in life is not making mistakes, but not learning from mistakes. Whenever we don’t learn from our mistakes it’s usually because we are attacked personally from those mistakes. We are called names like “idiot” or “stupid” and generally downgraded by other people who discover our mistake.
When our self-concept is under attack, we feel the need to defend ourselves and our actions, even to the extent of distorting the facts. When people become defensive, they never hear the feedback they are getting. As a result, little learning takes place. The effective use of the One-Minute Reprimand with someone who makes a mistake will hopefully eliminate this defensive behavior.
When I teach managers about the One-Minute Reprimand, I tell them there are four keys to remember about a reprimand. First, reprimand as soon as possible after an incident. Don’t save up for a holiday. If you “gunnysack” and store up your feelings, when you finally let go of them, they are usually out of proportion and make the mistake seem so much worse than it was. This is when personality attacks usually take place.
My wife, Margie, and I clearly learned about the problem of gunnysacking one summer when we lived on Cape Cod with good friends of ours, David and Linda. We used to think there was something wrong with us because we didn’t fight. I can’t remember ever going to bed angry in 22 years of marriage. Now my mother, who is German, used to say to me, “You’re going to get an ulcer! You don’t fight enough. A good fight once in a while is good for you!”
If my mother’s analysis was right, David and Linda were in good shape. They were notorious fighters. In the spring and summer, neighbors would get the lawn chairs out while David and Linda screamed and yelled, threw things At each other, and slammed doors. You might ask, “Why would you vacation with people who fought like that?”
They were really fun people, and besides they only fought once in a while. It was interesting to observe and learn how differently we dealt with things as couples. David and Linda noticed that if I came down in the morning and said to Margie, “Where the hell is breakfast?” she would stop everything she was doing and say to me, “What happened? Did you fall out of bed, stub your toe or something? Why are you acting like this?”
Linda would say, “Margie, you’re starting a fight.”
“No, I’m not,” Margie would say. “Ken normally doesn’t behave this way. I just wanted to find out what happened.”
As a result, Margie and I never let things build up. If either of us did something to hurt the other, we would speak up right away.
This was not the case with David and Linda. If David came down in the morning and said to Linda, “Where the hell is breakfast?” Linda would not say anything to David. She would just say to herself, “Who does he think he’s talking to? I don’t deserve that kind of treatment.” And then she’d put an angry feeling in the “gunnysack” she kept on her back to store her negative feelings about David.
Then Linda would take David a burned egg. He’d be sitting at the kitchen table and say to himself, “Who does she think I am? I don’t deserve a burned egg like that.” But David wouldn’t say anything to Linda. Instead, he’d throw an angry feeling into his gunnysack without sharing his feelings.
We noticed it took David and Linda about two weeks to fill their sacks and then almost on signal they would dump them, usually over some minor event. David might say, “How are you, honey?” Then Linda would yell, “Let me tell you . . .” and dump her sack. Once Linda would dump, David would follow suit. They would get at opposite ends of the living room and let fly. They would go back to the burned egg incident and if they really got going, David would always yell, “And let me tell you about when I first met your mother . . .” Then they wouldn’t talk to each other for a couple of days.
You see, the longer you wait to give someone negative feedback, the more emotional it becomes. If Margie had waited a week to confront me about saying, “Where the hell is breakfast?” I would have said, “Me! I’d never say anything like that.” Then we would be into, “Yes, you did!” “No, I didn’t,” and on and on. So give negative feedback as soon as possible—it causes fewer problems.
Second, be specific. Tell the person specifically what he or she did wrong. For example, “John, you didn’t get your report in on time on Friday.” Or, “I notice your sales were down 20 percent this quarter,” or whatever.
Third, share your feelings about what was done. “Let me tell you how I feel about the late report, John. I’m angry because everyone else got their report in on time and not having your report delayed my analysis of our market position. It really frustrated me!”
The fourth key of the One-Minute Reprimand is probably the most important of all—reaffirming the person. In the late report example, you might say, “Let me tell you one other thing. You’re good. You’re one of my best people. That’s why I was angry about your late report. It’s so unlike you. I count on you to set an example for others. That’s why I’m not going to let you get away with that late report behavior. You’re better than that.”
Many people can’t understand why you would praise someone just after you have reprimanded them. You do it for two very important reasons. First of all, you want to separate people’s behavior from them as individuals. You want to keep people but get rid of their poor behavior. Remember: People are Okay. It’s just their behavior that’s a problem—sometimes.
By reaffirming people after you have reprimanded them, you focus on their behavior without attacking their personality.
The second reason for praising at the end of a reprimand has to do with what happens after a reprimand. When you walk away after reprimanding, do you want people thinking about what they did wrong or about how you treated them? Of course, you want them thinking about what they did wrong. And yet most of the time, people who are reprimanded direct their energy back to you the reprimander. Why? Because of the way they are treated.
When you reprimand someone, you not only don’t end with a praising, but usually say, “And let me tell you one other thing . . .” and then you give the person one last “shot in the head.” “If you think you’re going to get promoted you have another think coming.”
Then when you walk away, the person you have reprimanded often turns to a co-worker and instead of discussing the late report, talks about your leadership style and how typical of you that behavior was. Now that person is psychologically “off the hook” with the late report, and you are the “bad guy.” But if you end a reprimand with a praising, the person you reprimand won’t turn to a co-worker and “bad mouth’ you when you walk away because you just told that person how good he or she was. Now the person has to think about what he or she did wrong, not about your leadership style.
If you believe in this concept of the One-Minute Manager, share it with everybody at home, at work, and in your social community. I emphasize the One-Minute Reprimand here because for many of us, giving negative feedback is the most difficult management behavior.
Another reason for sharing the One-Minute Reprimand concept with others is that they will help you to be a good One-Minute Manager if you get off-course. An incident with our son, Scott, illustrates this point.
Scott, 19, is a frequent water skier. He has a big truck that he uses to tow our boat around San Diego. He docks it at several different locations depending on the wind. At two or three of these places, he has to drive right out on the beach to get the boat into the water. To get through the sand, he has huge tires on the truck. These almost force you to stand on a ladder to get into the truck. The rule about this truck is that Scott should not park it in the driveway. If he does, he blocks the driveway.
One day I came home to find Scott’s truck parked in the middle of the driveway. He was gone with his friends, and no one could find his keys. I could not get my car in the garage, and Margie couldn’t get hers out. I was furious. When Scott returned home about two hours later, I went right out to the street to greet him. Boy, did I tell him what he had done wrong and how I felt about it. Then I stormed back into the house.
Scott jumped out of his friend’s car and chased me into the house. He followed me right into the bedroom and said, “Dad, you forgot the last part of the reprimand. I’m a good kid. You love me, and this is so unlike me.”
All I could do was laugh and give him a big hug. And, I didn’t have to deal with that big truck in the driveway anymore.
Remember, people are okay. It’s just their behavior that’s a problem sometimes. The proper use of the One-Minute Reprimand will help them make some corrections. It will also keep you on track and “trucking” right along in your relationships.
by Ken Blanchard
This article originally appeared in Leadership Excellence in October 1984, an example of 25 years of leadership insights, lessons, and strategies. Leadership Excellence is published monthly, and available in digital and print formats. To subscribe visit here. To access 3000 articles by the greatest leaders and thought-leaders of our time, register for Instant Consultation here, or call 1-877-250-1983.
